When planning your wedding, there are thousands of micro-decisions that can be made to tailor the day to perfectly reflect you and your partner.
With a decade of wedding planning experience—including nine years at a historic inn where she specialized in outdoor tented events, micro weddings and everything in between—wedding consultant Tosh Urbowicz has truly seen it all and she shares some of her expansive knowledge in our conversation on how she’s seen couples personalize their days.
I first met Tosh while looking for a location for our rehearsal dinner in Connecticut. We hadn’t chosen a wedding venue at that point, but were scoping out the area to see what the entire weekend might look like. Within five minutes of meeting Tosh, we knew we had to have our entire wedding weekend at the Bee and Thistle Inn, and 95% of that reason was to work with Tosh. From start to finish, she made the planning process a dream—managing all the heavy lifting in coordination while making our experience fun. We always looked forward to communicating with Tosh, and she quickly became a friend. She perfectly executed our vision, and we could not have seamlessly pulled off our wedding weekend without her.
Tosh is now taking on clients planning their weddings in the Northeast.
Let’s start things off by getting to know you. Can you share how you came into the industry and what your role as a wedding coordinator entails?
My roots are in hospitality, I started off in restaurant management and joined the Bee and Thistle Inn overseeing their restaurant around nine years ago. The owner at the time asked if I would like to assist her with weddings and events, and after the first wedding I worked on, I fell in love. She was an amazing mentor and I learned so much from her. I assisted with weddings for about three years, and when she departed from the inn, I became the venue coordinator. My job is to manage the full planning process—from the beginning to end, including arranging the timeline, the vendors, rentals and design. I am there for the duration of the event on the day-of overseeing each element.
When planning my own wedding, I liked to think of my wedding day as the entire day. Even though our ceremony started at 4pm, we had mapped out our morning and afternoon—everything leading up to the ceremony—and created a purposeful, relaxed vibe. I spent the day in the garden among friends and I had seen my husband the entire day until it was time to put on my dress and we had our first look. How have you seen couples spend the day before the ceremony begins?
The time before the wedding is always an interesting dynamic. Of course, there are the very traditional couples, where the bride and groom are sequestered away in their separate rooms, and we play this fun game of dodging their partners, shuffling them out of back doors. I’ve had grooms and their groomsmen get traditional hot shaves before their wedding at an old fashion barber. Another couple got ready together with their son. The son helped zip up the bride’s dress, and the groom straightened out the son’s tie. It was a magical moment seeing them as a family to take that next step all together. One couple who went the more traditional route had a fun moment before the ceremony planned of playing “Going to the Chapel” and we toasted the bride and the bridal party—it was a very Sweet Magnolias moment. I’m running around frantically, in a controlled way, making sure everyone is being taken care of, and it’s always interesting to see how people spend this time.
What we loved so much about the inn was that we wanted to create the feel of a weekend getaway that felt cozy and light-hearted, where we just happened to get married in the backyard. There are so many ways to get ready the day before your ceremony begins and I think it’s really interesting to see how different couples utilize that time and make sure that people consider that time as part of the overall day.
Right. My biggest piece of advice is to try to enjoy it as much as possible. While getting your hair and makeup done, a lot of the time you’re getting down to the wire in terms of timing, but I think that it’s so important to have fun, be silly and relax. The time leading up to the ceremony is just as important as any other part of the day. You’re most likely surrounded by people that you love, and you should make the most of it!
Let’s move on to the ceremony. Ceremonies are really the most special moment of the wedding and set the tone for the entire event. How have you seen couples make their ceremonies unique?
I’ve loved experiencing all different styles of ceremonies through the years and seeing how couples incorporate their different beliefs and religions into their weddings. I once worked with two artist brides who integrated so many interesting moments throughout their wedding. There is a river at the back of the Bee and Thistle property, and the brides actually canoed down the river to meet their guests down at the ceremony. Their daughter blew into a conch shell to announce their arrival, and their ceremony involved burning sage and incense as well as natural elements like bird wings. They also passed their rings to their bridal party to bless.
I worked with another couple that had their first dance at the ceremony. The bride walked down to “La Vie En Rose” and they danced in front of everyone. One of my favorite parts of your ceremony was the fact that your bridal party walked down the aisle together in a beautiful, unscripted group.
I borrowed that from my best friend Annie, who was married the summer before—it was very casual and joyful.
Ceremonies are the most important part of the wedding in many ways, it’s the reason why you’re there. My advice is to do your thing and have it be how you want!
Now let’s go to the cocktail hour, which is always a highlight for me while attending weddings. The pressure isn’t as high between the ceremony and the reception, and I find this time always really fun and jovial. What have you seen that’s cool and different?
Cocktail hour is usually my favorite part of the wedding, it’s such a joyful time, and I especially enjoy making them last longer than just an hour. I love having signature cocktail ready to be passed immediately after the ceremony, as guests are going to want to have a drink to celebrate.
It’s great to see couples incorporate their cultures through food during cocktail hour. I once worked with a Colombian groom and an Australian bride, who had a raw bar with shellfish to represent her background and hired a food truck serving empanadas for his heritage. We’ve also set up a bonfire for s’mores during the cocktail hour of a Fall wedding—serving spiked apple cider out of a cauldron.
Also, make sure the music is considered during this time, whether that’s your DJ, band or just a great playlist. One couple hired an Irish fiddler and the guests couldn’t help but dance. That was the first time I actually saw people dancing during the cocktail hour. We had a Jewish couple dance the Hora to end their cocktail hour—starting outside on the lawn and ending inside the inn for dinner. It was such a great way to transition.
Speaking of dinner, let’s chat about the reception! What advice do you have for couples planning this element of their day—from dinner, dancing and beyond?
Food is one the most important parts of the whole wedding. You spend so much money on your dress, your flowers, your rentals and you want your food to hold a flame your whole event that you put so much thought into. Also, I always think about the menu and the timeline, whether it’s plated meal, family-style or buffet. A plated meal will always take longer as there is more service involved, so keep the timing in mind. If you will be incorporating toasts during your dinner, also keep the schedule in mind. If the guests are seated for two-hour dinner, it’s nice to stagger those toasts throughout dinner service.
Always keep in mind that dancing is important but think of guests that might not be on the dance floor. I recommend setting up a lounge area for guests that is close to the dance floor so people feel engaged and involved. Also, consider activities that aren’t dancing-related for your guests. I am always a fan of an old-fashioned cigar roller at weddings. We had a whiskey bar for the bride, who was an aficionado. There was a station with seven different whiskeys that guests were able to do a tasting of.
What are some unique ways you’ve seen brides personalize their weddings décor-wise that have been really impactful?
The Bee and Thistle has such a niche ambiance, that I think that the couples that choose to have their wedding there are always pretty thoughtful, as it’s not a standard venue by any means. There have been so many details that have been so special.
One of my favorite personalization you did was to have a scent for your wedding. I will never forget walking into the inn, that scent [Diptyque’s Baies] will forever be the fragrance of Lindsey and Ben’s wedding.
I once had a bride present her mother and sister presented her mother and sister with beautiful corsages made from her mom’s wedding dress. I also worked with a couple that instead of a guest book, they had a library book cart filled with their that everyone signed the book due date slip and used a library stamp with their date on it. They were also very into old-fashioned movies and incorporated that theme into the tables.
Also, don’t be afraid to bring unconventional décor into your wedding. I think it’s really interesting when couples bring items that are important to them that don’t necessarily fall into the traditional “wedding décor” category. I had one entomologist bride that scattered framed monarch butterflies throughout their wedding. We had another couple married in front of our fireplace and placed their grandfather’s favorite beer mug on the mantel, as he had passed. If something is important to you, don’t be afraid to bring it in, you can always find a way to display it.
I also had a couple host a Halloween-themed wedding, which was so fun. The bride actually hand-carved twenty pumpkins herself to be incorporated into the décor.
I love that. I feel like a lot of couples can easily fall into the mindset of “this is a serious event. I need to do everything by the book” but going to a themed wedding sounds really fun and memorable.
I always encourage couples to do what they want on their wedding day and make it unique.
After the wedding comes the after party—at least for us. This was so much fun to plan, we had our DJ, Chances with Wolves, transition from the outdoor tent to play inside of the inn and Keith Urbowicz, your husband, of Roost Chef, made our guests epic bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches that everyone loved. How have people personalized their after parties?
I’ve seen it all, from karaoke to playing board games into the wee hours of the night. We had a couple hire an acoustic band that played all 90s music, while the fireplace roared to create a private concert vibe. We had an athletic couple who set up Badminton outside for all the guests that still had energy.
A lot of times, couples don’t consider having their professional music continue into the afterparty, which is key. You had your DJ continue plus those breakfast sandwiches…I came into the inn the next morning after your wedding and it looked like an epic party had gone down!
It seems like micro-weddings or weddings with smaller guestlists will become a staple for brides to consider hosting—even after the pandemic. What advice might you have for a couple looking to host a micro-wedding?
A micro-wedding is still a wedding, and it doesn’t mean you should skip out an any details or traditions you would want to incorporate just because the guest list is smaller. When you do go micro, you can splurge a bit more sometimes on the elements that matter most to you. My husband and I had a micro-wedding ourselves, with a guestlist of 23 people, and we spent as much on the flowers as I did on food, because I wanted a ton of flowers regardless of the size. Just because it’s small doesn’t make it any less of a wedding and there are so many elements to make it really special.
I’d love to hear more about your own wedding. What was that planning process like?
We just celebrated our third anniversary, and we actually had a micro wedding ourselves with a guestlist of 23 people, including my husband and me. We either had to go really big and invite 200 people or keep it really small and we chose the latter. We started off planning a big, tented wedding, but at that moment, we were also planning to buy a house—so we decided to go small.
We held our ceremony at my grandparents’ backyard. We wanted to make sure it was accessible to everyone, including our elderly guests, and very meaningful. My grandparents live on a marsh and we had simple wood benches and lanterns for décor and let the marsh be the backdrop. I used flowers from my grandmother’s garden, and we set up a table with lemonade and iced tea.
We had a dinner reception at the Copper Beach Inn in Ivoryton, Connecticut, another historic inn.
You had already been in the industry for a while at that point. As a wedding planner yourself, how was it to give over the reins to someone else?
The planning process was definitely interesting. I realized that while I love planning other couple’s weddings, it was difficult to hand my wedding over to someone else. Who was going to run the show for mine? We ended up with an amazing wedding planner and used MAR Floral for our flowers. We wanted moss for our table runners, and I gave the florist a bunch of candelabras, bottles and books, and said to do whatever she wanted. One of my favorite guests from the Bee and Thistle bought us embroidered napkins. When we walked into our reception, my jaw dropped when I saw our vision come life.
Our cake was Funfetti, but my husband doesn’t like cake, so I had the inn bring him a bowl of 15 scoops of ice cream. Music was really important to us—we spent a lot of time cultivating our playlist, which we feel like we barely heard because we were in Lalaland. We walked down to INXS’s “Never Tear Us Apart” and our recessional was The Beach Boys’ “God Only Knows.”
As a gift for our wedding day, my husband gave me a beautiful wooden box, and said that we will put in a wish for the next year every year on our anniversary. We keep our vows in that box and every year we add a new wish and we read the wishes from the previous year. This year, we re-read our wishes from the previous year and they came true. Our son is beautiful and healthy, and I also wrote that I want to slow down and spend time with our family. I clearly did not realize it would be a pandemic to make that happen!
That all sounds lovely, and you have been so insightful! Is there anything else you’d like to share?
Wedding are always going to be stressful in some way, so when you find yourself getting stressed, figure out what the cause is and try to change it. Try to enjoy wedding planning and have fun with the process!
Are you planning your wedding in the Northeast? Connect with Tosh Urbowicz at swoonandroost@gmail.com
